Below is a conversation with a friend about a date I went on recently.
Me: Want to hear about my most recent date?
Bryan: Of course. You see the most colorful characters.
Me: So, I finally went out with the guy who I affectionately call “the murderer” because of the whole “looking like a murderer” thing when I was visiting the city where he lives.
Bryan: Why exactly would you do such a thing?
Me: Because. Um. Bryan, don’t ask questions I can’t answer.
Bryan: Okay, I’ll stick to questions about colors and ducks.
Me: Finally. That’s all I’ve ever asked of you. Anyhoo… I was supposed to meet him at his place and then we were going to get some food nearby. When I get there, he’s on the phone with a finger up for me to wait. For 5 minutes. It was kind of rude considering I hardly know him. But, whatever.
Bryan: STOP. You lost me at “I was supposed to meet him at his place” and “So, I finally went out with the guy who I affectionately call “the murderer” because of the whole “looking like a murderer” thing when I was visiting the city where he lives.” Why the fuck would you go near Red’s house when you could end up like a duck?
Me: I refer you to my previous request.
Bryan: What? I phrased it in terms of colors and ducks.
Me: Besides, I only mostly thought he might kill me.
Bryan: Sigh. Audible sigh.
Me: Focus, Bryan. Anyway – we go around the corner when he finally gets off the phone, and he proceeds to freak the eff out when his favorite vegan food truck was gone.
Bryan: STOP. You lost me at vegan.
Me: <3 Oh yeah… he also scolded me when I told him that I eat fish.
Bryan: STOP. You lost me at scolded on a date.
Me: Yeah. It was pretty epic. By that, I mean awful. It gets worse. Way worse. He finally calms down, and we go to a place around the corner, where he proceeds to dominate the conversation talking about how he basically hates his band mate.
Bryan: STOP. You lost me at band mate.
Me: Told you it gets worse. I switch the conversation by pointing out a giant music warehouse across the street, saying “Well, you must like having that so close!”
Bryan: STOP. You lost me at he lives near a warehouse.
Me: His response was, “I see that, and I get a panic attack. I don’t listen to new music. I sort of hate music.” Did I mention he’s a musician? He’s a musician. But don’t get too excited… this is still the good part of the date. We finish eating and have to get up to pay. Ahem. He swivels the receipt to me. I pay for the lunch.
Bryan: (no words)
Me: Yeah. That’s when I started thinking… really?
Bryan: STOP. THAT’s “when I started thinking.” THAT….did it. Audible sigh.
Me: It’s not over. We leave, and walk back to his apartment. That he shares with FIVE roommates (did I mention that he’s 33?), and he wants to show me around.
Bryan: Audible sigh.
Me: We walk into the living room, and he says, pointing to a cat “This is the little guy that actually runs the whole house.” So, I asked what the cat’s name is. The response was a pregnant pause, sigh and then “It’s a cat. Call him whatever the fuck you want. He’s just a fucking cat.” Then he walks me through the dining room, the kitchen and out to the back, where there’s a garden.
Bryan: Cat. Never trust a man with a cat.
Me: I guess that’s right. We walk back in, and he opens a door to the basement. So, I’m thinking “I guess that’s where his music studio is!” It was an unfinished basement. He shows me his washer and dryer. And he says “Here are the washer and dryer.” I reply, “Yes. I’m familiar with such things.” He didn’t see the humor of it all, but I was finally just laughing at the absurdity of the entire date. And then he walks over to the other side of the basement. And this is when I almost peed myself. The murderer says “and this is my table saw.” I sheepishly respond, “That’s cool. I. Am. Upstairs. I’m going upstairs.”
Bryan: hahaha!
get
the
FUCK
out
of
there
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???
Me: I
Bryan: Don’t
Me: I have no words.
Bryan: I know. Oh man, you’re crazy. You’re crazy!
Me: So, we go back upstairs and I’m thrilled that I haven’t been killed. He continues on with the tour.
Bryan: Why?? Why would you continue?
Me: And he mentions, “My room’s a mess, so I’m not going to show you that.” I respond by crossing myself and thanking god. Then he walks into the bathroom. To show me his bathroom cabinet.
Bryan: ____________________
Me: And I say something like “That’s a really nice cabinet…” because I’m brain-dead / don’t want to anger the beast. He’s done showing me that and proceeds back into the living room to show me a closet.
Bryan: Hahhahaa
Me: The closet has games in it, so I think he’s picking out a game board. Nope. He wants to point out all of the cleaning supplies at the bottom of the closet and proceed to tell me who is in charge of which chore at the house. I stare at him blankly. And he says “Let’s go for a walk.”
Bryan: How about, “I am going to run, instead?”
Me: So, we walk around the neighborhood for about 15 minutes and he points out cool places to check out… I ask if he likes such and such restaurant that he mentions and just get a “Sure. But I never go there.” And then a homeless man starts following us, like in a comical sort of way. He follows us in and out of stores like he’s our pet.
Bryan: What is wrong with you?
Me: We finally stop to tell the homeless man we don’t have anything, at which point I see a bus stop. And say, “I’m going to… go to there.” He asks what I’m going to do next and I say “Probably meet up with some friends downtown,” and his response was “It’s really un-hip to hang out downtown.” It’s where all of my normal, non-murderous friends live… so, I say “Yeah, I’m ok with that.” And he gives me a look like I shot a baby deer. Then he hugs me, says, “Ok – let me know if you have any other chances to hang out while you’re in town!” as though this had all been so great and walks away. As he leaves, the homeless man starts walking toward me again. I ran. I ran 20 blocks until a got to the bridge, which to me to the normal side of town.
Bryan: Haha!
You
Are
Insane.
Me: Yeah. I think that was the worst of all the dates.
Bryan: I would hope.
Me: I mean… there have been some other interesting ones, for sure. But that was the only one that made me think “Oh, hey! So, this is how I die!”