As women, the quest to find a mate is becoming an ever the more difficult road. While many of us seek to find a genuine, honest mate that will serve as a trustworthy and devoted partner, the path can sometimes feel like a minefield full of charlatans. You read that right: charlatans. The term came to mind recently when reading Jill Di Donato’s article “Commitment Phobia: Why Men Disappear.” Her article explores the “Casper effect”, a scenario where a man of significance in a woman’s life suddenly “poofs!” out of sight and into obscurity, never to be heard from again. Having a significant other disappear from your life is heartbreaking, particularly when it is someone of substance, someone you really care about and have a connection with. It is extremely painful, not to mention confusing. The Casper Effect, or The Disappearing Act as we like to call it, causes women to ask themselves all sorts of questions like, “what happened?”, “was it me?”, “is there someone else?”, “was it all a lie?”, “did I know him at all?” and a myriad of other mind-numbing inquiries. For this reason, men who pull a Casper truly embody the term charlatan, and we want to provide a few tips for how to avoid and deflect such suitors.
The first step to avoiding charlatans is understanding the true definition of one. Merriam
Webster’s Dictionary defines charlatan as, “1. A quack and 2. one making usually showy pretenses to knowledge or ability : fraud, faker.” Though you may not have thought specifically of the word, there are probably several situations where it could be applied. For example, the guy who plays up where he went to school or where he works as a means of feeling better about himself and seeming savvy, when in actuality he is completely insecure. That is the mark of a charlatan. We should note, this is not a gendered term. There are female charlatans in the world, absolutely. But somehow in this whole
dating landscape, men seem to be earning the label over and over again. Let’s get back to a few more examples. The man who splurges on a boat and country club membership to impress his friends (though he cannot afford it) at the expense of his wife and young kids. The guy who posts on Facebook about all the awesome things he is doing, when you know in fact he just went through a painful break-up. These guys are charlatans. They are phony and should be understood as such. And odds are, at some point, they will pull a Casper.
The question becomes, how do we spot these phonies before they worm into our lives and then disappear so fast our heads are spinning? We have prepared a few helpful guidelines to help you spot a liar in your midst.
1. Listen. People begin dropping hints from the minute we meet them. Skilled charlatans know how to provide the answers people want to hear, but as a smart and focused woman, you can learn how to uncover the myths he may be espousing. Ask detailed questions. Maybe it’s just New York, but when we’re out in social situations, it seems like most people are hearing answers to the core basics: Where do you work, Where do you live, Where did you grow up and Where did you go to school. It’s funny, women get the answers to those questions and they have already decided if they want to know more or not. The unfortunate part is that a lot of times that is where the “getting to know you” ends. People assume they know enough to proceed. Without playing 20 Questions, focus on asking questions to spark conversation and LISTEN to the answers. Don’t let the résumé, name-game BS get you thrown off track from discovering whether or not this is a person with whom you want to spend your valuable time.
2. Take your time. So often in the dating world, we as women get excited and want to believe that this new person in our life is the one and only true love of our lives. If we approached everything in life with this much enthusiasm and naiveté, we would be taken advantage of left and right- in school, in business, in society. We are better than that. Take your time getting to know a potential male suitor. Pace the development of the relationship and give yourself time to reflect on what you are learning about the person.
3. Acknowledge the signs. One of Oprah Winfrey’s greatest pieces of advice is the
following: “When a person shows you who they really are, believe them.” Taken from her
mentor Maya Angelou, this teaching is simple and yet so profound. It’s a lesson we should
write down and hang above our desks so that it may seep into our brains. It’s a powerful adage. Are we so into the notion of being “in a relationship” that we ignore the signs? As inherent nurturers, we must not fall into the trap of believing that time and patience will allow us to reform people and fail to see the significance of latent problems. It’s easy to recognize signs of an untrustworthy person when the relationship has shattered and the pieces are broken on the floor in front of us. But those signs and symptoms were always present. Perhaps it takes reading about the experiences of others to help us recognize dysfunction in our own lives. Learn how to recognize signs that someone is being dishonest and not treating you as you should be treated. Believe firmly in the mantra that you’re too good to waste your time with someone who is not honest and open.
4. Never sell out. We’re not sure when coupling up became such a popularized notion, but the truth is you don’t need a significant other to feel happy in life. You definitely don’t need a significant other who is making you feel upset, disrespected, victimized or unsafe. If you suspect that your significant other is up to no good, trust your intuition and make choices that protect your health, happiness and safety. You would never choose a shmuck of a best friend or a doctor or a lawyer, so don’t choose it in a mate. You are better than that!
We’ve seen our share of charlatan war stories through friends, loved ones and first hand, but also through the hundreds of dating stories we receive on our blog. Dedicated to providing a space for people to share bad dating stories in an anonymous and light-hearted manner, we have received stories from people around the world detailing romantic heartbreaks and embarrassments. It is from that vantage point that we can assure you there are many frauds out there telling many lies in attempt to get women to give it up.