Photo Courtesy of Grindr
I’m not quite sure why I continue to use phone applications as legitimate social spaces with no rules.
The bullshitter in myself creates the idea- and I suspect others do, as well- that these are “suitable” places to meet “intriguing” people, and have “interesting” experiences. It’s sort of a self-conscious lie of the internet age – as if we’re some wild children breaking down social norms to meet people online (“omg! what if they’re creeps? you’re so crazy!”) and have sloppy bathroom stall hook-ups and/or awkward and expensive dinners at dumb tapas restaurants. I fucking hate tapas.
Anyway, the other evening was a terrorizing nail in the coffin for this narrative. I was having a drink at a local dive, with one of my girls. We were cruising moderately – I was a bit uninterested – and half-heartedly dancing to Blondie. As a principle, I do not access these GPS hook up sites while at bars. I mean, that’s just laziness and I am not too invested in online-to-real life encounters. I’d rather have them come from cringe worthy, long nights at bars- that’s correct and the old-fashioned way, right? So yes, I tease a lot. Anyway, this quiet night was about to be disrupted by the massive social media shitshow brewing. I look to my right, and I see my ex-boyfriend, his friend (who made a distasteful move on me in the past), and his other ex-boyfriend walk in.
We immediately catch eyes and conversation ensues.
Smooth sailing so far – even with the other ex-boyfriend – then, lovely enough, two dudes I had had conversations with/teased on the aforesaid sites (and exchanged photography with) came into the bar together. Naturally, we make direct eye contact and they walk over to where I’m apparently holding slut court. They look at each other with an expression of surprise. I mean, how could they not? they both waved at me and walked in my direction with more skill than olympic synchronized divers. It was a strange moment and I could physically feel waves of awkwardness come over me. Upon arrival, both are flirtatious in conversation with me, while I struggle to explain to my ex how i know these people – his eyes at this point are the size of half dollars and is attempting to grope me. I didn’t notice this due to the aforesaid waves of awkwardness; Now I am incredibly conscious of it since I have #2 and #3 engaged with my every word. While I talk out of my ass to the ex, I’m trying to come up with a strategy to explain how these two dudes- who I now learn are roommates, awesome- how I know both of them. How could they not be curious after a synchronized waving, walking, and facial expression routine on the way in?
I put in a good effort, a minute and fifteen seconds, before I ran toward the door for a cigarette- I did this transition terribly, glancing toward the door like a host at a party who has seen someone significant walk in. “Why, I think I need to have a cigarette quickly”, I said to my ex and increasingly more cognizant audience. That was the best cigarette I’ve ever had. Upon reentry I grab my coat to leave and give a quick wave to my brethren.
As I escape, some stranger grabs my shoulder, “Hey pretty, I’ve been waiting to bump into you.”
Not a thing.
SFAR